I Don’t Want To Exist Anymore
It has been just nine days into the new year and I just feel so worthless. It feels like nothing is going right and everything is going wrong and I am working so hard to fix it and then it just fails. All that hard work is for nothing. I promised myself to be positive this year and to do all the things I wanted to do and never got to do them. Earlier today I was having the best day of the year so far. I honestly was so happy and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just three hours ago I was laughing without a care in the world and now I just feel like I shouldn’t exist.
I have worked on being happy for most of my entire life and I have gotten nowhere. Sometimes I think that all my efforts are trash and I should just give up. And I should. There is no reason for me to keep up this charade and just be real about it. I really and strongly believe that I am a nobody. All the people who dislike me can laugh because they can! They won! They really have. All the pieces that kept me together have finally fallen apart and I can’t seem to make them fit anymore. The time and effort I would waste on it are too much for me. I have had it. I am done making excuses.
I Could Be Writing This In A Diary/Journal
But I am not. And why should I have to keep this all to myself? Who decided that it was not okay for a person who is literally DYING inside not to speak out about their feelings? Is it because it was used to much by those who abused it? Is it because it is too controversial? Is it because the world can’t handle it?!
If my rotting ass is handling it, I know all you strong motherfuckers can too!
But you are right. I just said that I can’t anymore…because I am too fucking weak…and you are so right! Ha! It is funny because it is the God-forsaken TRUTH! Some people give up and I am not allowed to. That is what people tell me, thinking the message will sink in eventually and it has crossed my mind once in a while but it NEVER sunk in. I have tried EVERYTHING and NOTHING is working.
Going to England to see my love must have been the greatest thing that could happen to me. Or having Sammy. And yada yada yada…
I have heard it all. All of the “Sorry you feel this way..” and the “Look what you have! You are so fortunate!” and you have no idea how much it kills me when someone says that. I KNOW I am fortunate! I have my health, people who love me, and I have it “all”…and yet I still feel like it all doesn’t matter. That kills me. That really kills me.
How can I be that freaking selfish and feel freaking sorry for myself?! It scares the hell out of me!
I am a HORRIBLE person.
I Don’t Know If I can Do This Anymore
I have thrown in my towel. I am done. I am defeated. I can’t seem to find what my brain/head is looking for. Acceptance? Peace? Love? I should feel happy. I have all those things! And yet, here I am with BS tears streaming down my face.
Depression won. There is nothing else to say.
Reminds me of an Old Dodie video. Watch it if you must Here