Project Norma: Day- 54

I am sitting in a coffee shop

I have learned to love sitting in coffee shops here in England. I love it. I watch people come in and go with their heavy coats and speaking in their native tongue and laughing about their day.

I am a boring person.

I have grown to realize that there is nothing here that reminds me of home. The buzz here is so different and I know I feel homesick. It is stupid. I have dreamed of doing just this all my life, writing in a coffee shop in good old England, but here I am…missing my little town.

Not a lot of people understand this because they are so used to going to the local places wishing for change and here I am. I am glad to change again and again. I like the difference of it all.

I know when I go back home I am going to kick myself because here I am missing home and when I go back I am going to MISS ENGLAND. I know I am. The vibe here is subtle. Sweet even. People here hate it and always wonder why Americans dream of coming to a cold lame place like this, but they have no idea how it feels to live where we live and we have no idea how it feels to live here.

We all want something we don’t have.

The grass is always greener, you know that stupid saying. But it is true, We always think the grass is greener and once you have it, it is definitely not what you thought. Maybe you had higher expectations, or maybe you feel even happier than before, you just don’t know! I had no idea it was going to be like this.

I had a regular coffee shop I used to go to. It was called The Coffee Company 1844 and the place closed down Jan 27th. I was so sad. I miss the vibe there. It was a local coffee shop and they had the nicest smoothies ever. The local regulars came in and laughed with the people working out back and it was nice to see the workers sitting with us chatting away instead of having that work face.

I am sitting at the regular old Costa, the English version of Starbucks and it feels like Starbucks, but with a lot fewer people and the coffee taste so strong. I hate to say it, but Starbucks wins all the other coffee places, they have so many varieties while here, you have a small menu compared. Sweet coffee is not sweet enough here (coming from a fat American lol). I can respect it though, the vibe in this coffee establishment is so much calmer, nicer, the coffee place you want to go to relax and have a nice chat. Unluck Starbucks where it is loud and you have some hipster music playing and people come and make you feel cheap.

But, hey, that is just me!

I so badly just want to strike a random conversation.

I really wish I had enough courage to talk to a random person and talk about whatever. People have the most interesting conversations in a coffee house. I never realized how you can know about people just by sitting down in a random place like this and just listen. I bring my headphones along because I used to use them while I wrote, but today? I am sitting here listening to the buzz and it is soooo different. A good different. It makes me happy. Like if I am at home, but I’m not…if that makes sense? I will miss California, but this seems like a wonderful place.

It sucks the people here keep to themselves and are not as friendly as people are back home, but hey, it is still a nice place. Cold, raining, gloomy, and some days it gets you in a bad mood, but it has a charm. Back home we are talkative, bubbly, happy, and grumpy about the bipolar weather where you freeze your ass off in the morning, but by the middle of the day, you are frying in the sun.

I am going to miss it here…

I am going back in a month and the realization is sinking in.., I might not come back and that sucks. I complain that I miss home and tacos, Tapatio, Carl’s Jr, etc, but I will miss it. I have no other way to explain this place. The way the streets are and the people…it is extraordinary. The children in their school uniforms and the way people look their best every single day! I have never seen people dress their best every day until I got here. I am so underdressed. The heels, the men in their hats and trench coats… it’s a whole other world here.

I am going to miss it. I am going to miss Carla’s cooking (Connor’s mom) and his nan’s funny jokes. I am going to miss the birds that sing in the morning and the bus commute in the morning. The taxis and the bird feeding at the Thames river. I am going to miss the weird Mexican food they have here, I am going to miss curry from the local shops, and watching people shop (shopping is a big thing here apparently). The women with their buggies, the old men walking their dogs, the young girls walking in groups and the guys walking around in their floral attire (men wear flowers and pink here, which I think is pretty awesome!).  I will have to say I will miss the honesty of it all. I see people here have no care in the world. People here only worry about their weight, but other than that? Nada. They get ready and they are on with it. Unlike back home, we are over obsessed with the way we look and the way we present ourselves while here they just own it. Confidence. I admire that about them.

They are very confident people.

I am so glad I got to experience it, nevertheless.

I can at least say I lived my dream. To be sitting here right now and writing in a Brittish coffee shop. I can say I have lived it. I have lived the way of life here for about 6 months. I have spent Holloween, Christmas, New Years, and even a Thanksgiving here! I have shopped at the local shops and I have met some amazing people. I might not have met friends of my own, but Connor’s friends are enough.

I may not have found what I am looking for (by that, I mean myself) but it doesn’t matter. I am still figuring that out. I can enjoy the little things.

Maybe I have not accomplished squat in my 22 years of life and who is to say I have to? The expectations are what is making me feel like crap, but once I just live day by day and live in the moment, I find myself loving life again.

Even back home, when I would pick up Sammy’s mess, when I did laundry, or when I sat in my car at a park enjoying my iced tea before I headed home, it was all so blissful.

Maybe I am just full of shit and making the little things seem better than they are, but they were. All the little things have made me want to keep living. To be here and writing this is an accomplishment all on its own because I cannot be bothered to get up in the morning at all some days. But here I am, walking around and writing in shit. Missing home and my daughter who is probably sleeping right now to wake up for school in the morning when her dad comes home from work on his night shift. My mom at home sleeping and soon to wake up to get breakfast up and my little brother and sister getting ready for school themselves. My friends going to college, work, getting their babies ready for the day, going out to the gym, whatever it is that they are doing…

What I m trying to say is, I can appreciate those little things and I feel as though I am proud that all of you are owning your lives. All of you are struggling in some ways and you are still doing things. Still trying. Not giving up. And those of you that have, you still have that little spark in you that would not settle for it. I am proud to call most of yo my friends.

Maybe life has not been well for you, maybe things are making your life impossible, and maybe you are doing super well and cannot wait to live another day…but here you are.

So I will just sit here and drink my coffee and write and I don’t care who knows it!

I have felt discouraged for a while and I have not left the house for days, but I did today and it changed my mood. People have not been so nice to me, but who cares! Who cares if they don’t like me and who cares what they think! I have no idea why I let them get to me. I will let them believe what they want to believe or judge me on the things I did…and they can. I put it out there for the public eye to see and of course, no one is going to like me, why did I expect it to be easy?

The truth is hard to come by. The truth is not easy at all. Pouring your heart and soul into your posts is not easy and oversharing might be stupid, but on days like this, I do not care. This is my life. It is always changing. It is full of lessons and I am not gaining anything from writing things like this. I am just doing it for the hell of it. I am sharing because it feels like something that needs to be shared. Because people like me make me feel like I am alright, things happen.

It is my own fault if I get hurt.

I am such a fragile sensitive person sometimes that I envy those who are strong and can build a shield. But here I am. Doing it. Putting my best foot forward and trying my best to make the most of what I’ve got. I will learn to be stronger, I hope. And I will, one day. I repeat it over and over in my posts because it is a reminder. I know things can change. I am hopeful for this change. I know how it feels to be on top of the world, but I also know how it feels to be at rock bottom. Homeless. A stay at home mom with the sinking feeling that “this is my life now” and wanting more. Or being a happy stay at home mom, happy with the simple life and the joys it comes with it. Going to school and doing the things you love, volunteering and working your way to being what you wanted to be for ages. I am not going to say I have been through it all, but I have been through so many things that I can relate. I have been there. The pity parties and also the days where you have enough strength to just get up and do it, despite all the odds being against you.

I beleieve we can all make it.

We can all make it in life one way or another. We can all be happy, we just have to learn to be patient. We are all hoping for easier days to come. And we can. Hope. That is something I have learned to have. That is why I am still here. Because I believe that that there is more to life than this. I have once held my worldly possessions at a sidewalk looking at a rock thinking “This is not the end of the world. I still have air in my lungs, my health, and the people I love” and I kept going.

I know you can too.

Until Next Time

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