Project Norma: Day 57…I think

I am sick

I have a high fever and nothing is making it go down. I tried to rest and sleep but my brain would not let me rest my eyes. I watched the Twilight Saga thinking it could help me sleep but it isn’t. I try to lay down, took medicine, but right now my eyes are heavy but my brain won’t quiet down.

It snowed a little bit today

I love the way the snow falls over the rooftops. I took a bath when it was falling like a blizzard. The news says that there will be a bad storm coming from Siberia and that England should be prepared for the next couple of days. That would be interesting. The news back home would say “It is going to snow tomorrow!” warnings in my hometown but it NEVER happened.

I feel shitty

Not just because I am sick. But I feel like a shitty person lately. I am having a hard time even though most of my problems are back home. I cannot wait for the day where I can just relax and actually enjoy myself. Alcohol is still the only thing that does that for me but I toned that down a lot. No getting drunk for me.

Also, sharing personal things does not go well with my crap anxiety. I keep thinking that “Is it for me?” I keep thinking that it is the end of the world because I admitted I became a cheater and that I have made stupid mistakes…but it should feel liberating. I do not understand why I don’t. It actually makes me feel worse but at the same time, it feels like I could breathe again. I am liberated in one thing: The truth.

Not a lot of people would understand but I do not expect them to. It is something where you have to live it to see it for what it really is to me. I could see how it looks like for others. I can. I used to be like everyone else…but shit happens. Things change. The world literally took a dump on me and it is hurting me like a bitch to even get back up on my feet.

I have learned it does not fix itself overnight.

It takes weeks, months, and sometimes years to heal from bullshit. I used to be strong and I am not at all anymore, I am learning how to take the blows but it is not working at the moment. My head is not ready for that yet, but I at least know I can live with it. I could bury my father. I could go to work and at least pass as okay. I could get remotely ready, make food, and I was importantly there for my daughter (maybe not all there but I was there enough for her to know that I support and love her).

It is my biggest fear to come home. I have no definite job and I might end up working in the fields again. School is the last thing on my mind right now. I cannot handle that. I do not know where I am going to live and how things will be at home. I am scared to face reality again, but I am not a pussy to say I won’t. I am. I will. I will work on adapting.

This trip was to get me to know Connor and his family, but most importantly, it was to help me take a mental break from life back home. It is not working. All I think about is home and how I am going to fix my mess. Divorce? Moving? What job? It is all uncertain. It is uncertain who will be there when I get back, especially the way I have been acting lately…I have been a little unstable for anyone. I understand. I would not want to talk to me either, I am bonkers.

I have heavy decisions to make and none are easy. It is the last month soon and I will be back on my own again.

I will pray for luck…I need it.

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