Project Norma: Day 69

I am going to try something different

I am going to start being positive and do more than just sit around and mope. I have learned that my mind takes a plunge when I sit down and think because I overthink EVERYTHING.

The thing I am going to do differently is to add more chores on my list and have a plan on what I am going to do next. There will be no more sitting all day.

I was stupid enough to blame  the past

I know the past is so hard to push through, but I am done being stuck there. I do remember I am not the only one who feels like shit and everyone has problems worse than I do, but I have cried over my downfall for almost 2 years. The past two years have been the worst two years of my life but I can not let it get to me anymore. Alone or not, I have to get up and get moving. No one else is going to do it for me.

I do not have to have therapy, I need to have a better outlook on life. A healthier lifestyle. I need to spend less time on social media and be doing more. Stop comparing myself to others, and by the way family and friends! I am very proud of most of you!

I have been feeling shitty because I am making myself feel shitty

My life is different. My brain works differently and I have to remember what works for others will not work for me necessarily.

I learned that being here in England has made me stop everything completely and I am not used to that. I am used to having problem after problem. Bills, bills, bills. Chores, chores, chores.

Connor’s grandmother is used to doing everything on her own and his mum has her own way of doing things and I am normally told that I should let them get on with it. They do not leave me much to do. There are things to do around the house but it is hard to do things during the day because they work at night and are asleep during the day. Somone is always asleep when the other is awake, so I just feel bad waking people up by cleaning really loud (and I have woken them up and I wanted to shoot myself how embarrassed I was).

So, I do not have much to do with my time and I know no one here besides Connor’s friends that I have no one really to pass the time. I tried reading, writing, and other crafty things to take a break and I see I am wasting my time. My loved ones at home, like my mother, tells me to just relax and take the time to clear my head. Connor tells me to relax, I am on holiday. But I can not seem to because of my pride. I am prideful on the work I do. I am prideful on the chores and the work ethic I have, but I do not feel that here because I am sitting here watching TV and reading books (YES! I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BOOK READING!!! I AM SHOCKED TOO!) I feel useless and I feel like a horrible mother. I miss my Sammy every day and I cannot wait to see her because 6 months being away from my baby has really taken a toll on my heart.

The change starts here.

The change starts now. I say it over and over on working out and diets, but that is not what I am focusing on. I am thinking about the way I think about things. I am going to change the way I think about things. Taking a moment and stepping back and mentally preparing myself to think. I know there will be times where I will fall back and have slip ups and I tend to write about those more often than the good times. I write when I feel sad, but this time I am going to write about the good times as well as the bad because I am starting to sound like a depressed broken record.

I promise I am trying. I promise I will try to figure out how to enjoy my last month here. I am going to miss England so much. I learned so much about myself and I learned so much about life here.

I learned about how I am so much like my mother than I would like to be. She cannot stay home, it drives her crazy! She rather be at work than be home and then complain that she does not have a break. I have a long break I have been praying for since I was 16 and I got it but now I am complaining about all the free time! What do I want!!! lol

But I learned that I cannot live in the past and I need to stop worrying about the future and live day to day and breathe…enjoy the little things more than just the moment, but for what they are all the time.

Time to be productive!

I would normally say “Let us see where this goes!” But nope, watch me try every day. Do not let me be a wuss and give up. I am joking. I need to remember I am a grown ass adult and need to rely only on myself for my own damn happiness. I need to be that independent happy self that I used to be. Even if I never go back to my normal self, I need to at least be a better and more positive self than what I am today.

Eh, life is not so serious, I need to take the stick out of my bum and live a little!

Until Next time!

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