I am doing fine
I am not doing well or bad, I am just fine.
I have been taking every day as they come and worrying about my own world. You know how hard it is to get to where I am now? It was hard.
My mother had always been worried about her image because that is the way of the family. My whole family worries about their image and always tries to do better than the other and showing off what we have. My mother did not have much because she had all of us kids to raise, so she did not do much of the showing off. She tried to pride herself on her hard work ethic and that despite having a bad leg she can work and make things by hand and what not.
But she always said things like “Stop that! People are going to talk!” “People will think badly of you” “You are going to be judged, Norma”. I lived every waking moment with my mother to be her perfect version of the daughter she wanted me to be. Not because she wanted me to, but for fear of being ridiculed. She lived in this depressed state for as long as I can remember wanting to just have a normal family, but we are so far from normal. I do not think there is any sort of NORMAL, but we all have this idea when we think “normal”.
I loved the way my mom was when she was not depressed and worried about the world. She was fun and loved us and with all our faults. She loved the way we were all different. We are all different. All 7 of her kids have a different way of living and none of us are perfect, but she tried her best.
As most of you can tell, the people who know me personally, I am far from living the “right” way. I rushed into everything and I have always found some way to bring negative attention to my life. But that is me. I have been ashamed of all the things I have done. “Who has sex in middle school?” “Who the hell gets pregnant in high school?” “Who gets married at 19?” “Why would she leave her loving husband?” “Why is she in England without Sammy? What mom does that?” “Now she is engaged?” Yeah, what the actual fuck is my life right now.
I would sit here and blame the past for what I chose for my future, but I am not gonna do that. Everything I did seemed like a good idea at the moment. All the things I did seemed like the best choice. Whether it is good or bad judgment, I made those decisions and here I am.
But back to what I was saying. I have found that living in the moment was what made me happy. I had good times in the past because I broke away from what my mother taught me over the years. My reputation is just that, a standard everyone puts on me. I am not trying to live up to any standard. I am trying to live. I literally mean LIVE.
I want to live my life in all its crazy twists and turns, and going down routes where they lead to who knows where and then change my mind at the last second. I want to make mistakes and I want to make memories. I want to learn from it all and I want to just move forward.
If you asked me 5 years ago, I would tell you I saw myself finished with college and working in my dream job and living in my apartment with my family. I would tell you I did all the right things and I did everything I could for my future.
But in reality, I knew deep down I had no clue what the hell I was talking about. I am living and surviving like most of you. Figuring it all out myself but super open about it. Embarrassing or not, this is me. I am far from traditional and I am far from perfect.
I used to think “What the hell is wrong with me? What am I doing?!” But when I really think about it, if I did not do the things I did I would not have the most amazing things ever to happen to me.
I would not have my amazing beautiful daughter. I would not have met the most wonderful father that is her dad. I would not have the courage to leave everything I knew and jump into crazy situations. I wouldn’t have found this amazing man named Connor and find myself in the middle of England on this fine afternoon. I would be the good girl my mom wanted me to be if I did everything she asked me to, but she baffles me today when she says she is happy for me despite all the stupid things I have done.
Talking to the older generations, I have noticed we had all fucked up somewhere in our lives. We have all had this moment of self-doubt and not sure what are we supposed to do. I hear stories of regret, I hear stories of “It was the best decision I have ever made”. And most of those decisions were made on impulse. They were made in the moment.
I took a break from social media. I have stopped scrolling as much and not overthinking about everyone else’s life that I barely know and worry about my own.
I have no idea if your grass is greener, I am just worried about my own.
I have no reason to be jealous but happy for all of those who have made it. I have learned social media makes it seem like we all have some peachy lives where in reality it is only that some of the time. We pretend to live in our happy worlds most of the time but there is no harm in that. Share away, share how wonderful your life is because why the hell not? Share how shitty it is! Share how the neighbor got a new dog! As long as it is real, I have no problem how you share your world.
This is me sharing all of mine.
How shitty of a person I am and what not.
Social media has made word spread faster than it used to that causes us to be anxiety filled people trying to live a certain way in fear of “talk”. But what do I say to that?
This is your life.
This is the one life you are given.
Do not live to please others, you live for yourself or for whatever YOU want.
Remember what makes you happy and what makes you live the best you.
Is it helping others or cutting all ties? Is it leaving your job and starting over? Is it putting down your vises and getting to the gym? Is it letting go of everything you taught yourself?
Whatever it is, remember to breathe and just live on your OWN best judgment.
We can all be stuck in that place where nothing seems right or we can choose to live the life we want. It is all up to you.
And for those of you that like to talk: Encouragement is needed, never criticism.
Until next time