Throughout my whole life, I have had a problem with binge eating
I come from a poor family where nothing was wasted. I was to eat until my plate was clean and I have never gone hungry, but I was fed very little due to the fact that my mother was doing the best she could but we did not have much.
Just a little background story.
As my family was rising from poverty level, we had a lot more to eat. But I was very active in school and my hobbies had me be active constantly. Sports, running, bike riding, hiking, etc, I liked to do it all.
I was always the skinny athletic girl and I was the girl who did 110% in P.E. (gym, whatever). So I never saw my eating as an issue. But I ate. OOOHHH my I ate A LOT. A LOT.
My eating habits
I was the one to eat and never gain a pound. I ate and ate and was happy that I never gained a thing. I was never ashamed about my eating because I never got fat at the time. I thought I was healthy and I was happy on the way I looked. But I ate whole pizzas to myself. I would wake up early to eat the leftovers first. I was the one who had the biggest plate in the house, but the smallest waist. I loved my metabolism and I loved that I did not have to watch what I ate.
After my daughter, my whole metabolism, my body, and my mental state changed.
I ate the same and I was active like I was before my daughter but I gained weight super fast and I could not understand why at the time. I did not change anything in my life and I was just as active, but I still gained 60 lbs in no time. I was embarrassed going to school and what not, but it was all my fault but was in denial.
When I realised I had an eating problem
It was when I looked at pictures of myself and the attitude I had towards fitness. I was the one to laugh at salads and said to bring over the tacos. I was the one to order extra fries. When I was sad I would go over to the kitchen to eat.
I tried to fix the itch from wanting to eat by buying seeds and nuts to have something to munch on, but my body was not having it. I became weak and let depression win (I have suffered depression my whole life) and let go of the self discipline I had left and let myself feel the comfort of food. I was still active and running around and doing things, but with a crappy eating habit. I was mad that I would gain so much weight and I would work hard at the gym with no results. I would weigh the same and I would not lose anything. I grew frustrated but I was not educated enough to know that I would not see results without throwing my eating habits out the window.
I went to an extreme to another extreme
I was stupid enough to try to cut out all sugar, carbs, and anything that was “unhealthy” all together. I worked out super hard and I was eating 1,000 calories and was running 2 miles a day. I lost 25 pounds in 2 weeks. I lost 34 pounds that month. That was not good at all. I was happy that I was seeing myself shrink but I never slept, I was tired all the time, I was on the verge of passing out all the time. My mother and everyone was happy for me but I knew there was something wrong with what I was doing. I felt weak and horrible.
That was the last time I had control over myself and my eating.
I purged. I ate and ate and ate. I was feeling like crap and I was telling myself it would not hurt to eat loads of food. I ate until I was super full, not just full. I gained all my weight back and 20 lbs more. I fell back on food when I was sad, but I did not stop being active. I would run to relieve stress and I rode my bike all the time because I did not have a car at the time.
I was in denial
I did not think I was super fat. I did not think I had a food problem. I would not leave my house most of the time and when I did my old friends would say I have gained loads of weight. I would think back to the time where I lost almost 40 lbs and I would tell myself that I would “One day” do that again and loose the weight that easy.
I did not see myself as fat in the mirror
It is hard to see myself as fat. It is hard to look at myself in the mirror and see ME that BIG. I was never big. I was never this or that. I would tell myself things like that every time I saw my reflection.
I would see people run and in my mind I tell myself I know I can do that. I see dresses that are mediums and smalls and I find myself taking them off the rack knowing well I do not fit in that size anymore. But I could not help it.
I felt like a skinny person stuck in this body.
My mind is stuck in the old way of thinking. I think I could still do the things I used to do but then I attempt it and I find myself crying because I failed. I am not myself anymore.
I did try to adjust
I would see “I am a Big Beautiful Woman!” posts and things like that all over and I felt like I should share and love being the way I am. I do find every woman beautiful no matter what size and I admire those woman who flaunt what they have with confidence. But I am not confident in the skin I am in right now. I felt like I was lying to myself. I wanted to love myself, no matter how much I weigh.
The thing about the whole thing was that I realised I was not upset about how I looked, it was more about how I am pissed that I cannot do the things I used to.
I loved to run. I loved to play sports. I loved the way I could ride a bike for hours without losing my breath. It had nothing to do with image, it was more of all the things I cannot do.
I have been doing research about what is going on with me
Food is one of my favorite things in the world and I wish it was easier to chose healthy other than the fatty foods I know and love.
I do love healthy food and I do try to find new recipes to make. I have been eating healthy these last 2 months but I gained 4 pounds. I was trying to figure out why. I found that I have been binge eating. I would not eat for a long while and I would gorge myself with this healthy food. I would have seconds that I did not need. I found comfort in it. I would feel sad or mad and I would go on over and eat plates of food.
I knew I had a problem. I asked what was the words for what I was going through.
It is normal to have a binge eating disorder. I knew it was common but by putting a name on it made it all seem real and scary. I can now see how fat I am in the mirror and I can see the way it took a toll on my body. My denial just left me and I can see what my life would be like if I keep going on like this.
I had support the whole time…but I did not take it the way I should
My ex husband and my boyfriend were always giving me positive feedback on the way I looked. I always questioned if it was because I was a depressed mess and they did not want to push me to the edge. I would think back to their loving words and I would see that they loved me like this anyway. Why should I work hard on becoming skinny and all that if they love me fat anyway?
I should not have taken their loving words that way.
I am greatful that they loved me big or small, but I should have been asking MYSELF if I loved myself this way.
I did not. I do not. I want my old self back. I know I will never be a size small again but to at least be close to the place where I was happiest is my ultimate goal.
Reading about other people’s testimonies and their weight loss journey had me going. I researched more and more. Social media has been leaning towards healthy lifestyles. I have been taking it serious now. This disorder will not consume me. I will find comfort in life and not food. I would love to do the things I loved before I let myself go.
I will have to say it has been hard to come to terms with it all
I used to read articles like this and would be personally offended thinking that it is okay to eat the way I do and it is fine to be this big. And you know what? It is. It is okay, it is your life. You get to live the way YOU want to.
But this is NOT my life. I want my life BACK.
That is the difference I needed to see earlier. I have my own standards and I was upset because I was not at my own personal standard. I was upset for being reminded I was not where I wanted to be. It was a wake up call that it was myself who had a problem.
Confident people who love their bodies would not dwell on it and love themselves no matter what, but I was over here sulking telling myself I should be okay with where I am. But it ate me alive because of just that. I am not confident the way I am now.
I want to be that confident where I CAN say “Fuck the haters”. I want to be happy with how I look and not just my attitude on life.
I am happy that I got to a better way of thinking
I have worked for months on my mental health and I have been successful. I have been positive about my life and my weight. Oh yes-my weight.
But I have been talking crap about it?
Well, yes, I wrote down what I feel about it, but I deeply feel like I love myself no matter what. This mind and this body has been through 22 years of wear and tear and I am proud to call it mine. I am happy they both took me this far and I am ready to see how far it will take me.
I am ready to let go of all physical habits and develop better and healthier habits that I will soon recover from all those years of abuse.
I am ready to break away from binge eating. I am ready to get my physical life back.
I am happy how far I have come.